Sometimes… Just Doesn’t Click

Dear Saturday Night,

I’m sitting on an airplane reflecting on this short scenario as I fly home for my now dead grandfather’s funeral. I guess I don’t need to mention that he’s dead with the word “funeral” in the same sentence. Not only do I feel like garbage because I couldn’t sleep last night, I’m stuck in the middle seat and absolutely can’t get any shut-eye, so I’ve caved and spent a cool $29.00 for WIFI for the duration of this cross country flight. So lame, right? Do I pop an adderral and bang out this little tale? Should I go to the back of the plane and buy a $5 bloody mary because what the hell I’m grieving, right?

So anyways. Back to the original story at hand.

I should have known it wasn’t going to work as soon as I sent the text and it turned green. If you don’t have an iPhone, that can’t be a good sign. In a moment of weakness and loneliness, I re-downloaded Tinder and got my thumb to work. It had been approximately 23 days since my last penetration, and I was willing to say however many Hail Mary’s necessary to get some male attention.

After god knows how many swipes of meatheads, nerds, swingers looking for a third, men who probably didn’t speak English, men who lived more than my 5 mile maximum radius requirement, I finally stumbled upon a milk chocolate specimen from Texas who worked at Samsung. He was declaring something along the lines of, “Southern gentleman who’s been in LA for six months and is hiding here until trump is out of office.” BOOM, sold. The rest was “love basketball, whiskey, traveling, blah freaking blah, same shit.” But I liked the Trump bit. So I swiped right and we matched, obviously.

Within minutes he messaged me the usual, “Hey, Jay, how you likin’ LA so far?” which at this point, really makes me yawn. But whatever. Better than the “Heyyyyyyyyyyyy,” or an eggplant emoji. I answered with my usual bullshit of how great the weather is, how ridiculous my car insurance and state income tax are, how you have to pay for bags at the grocery store, but hey, THE WEATHER IS SPECTACULAR. Fast forward to the part where we exchange phone numbers. Once I entered his digits into my phone, typed some stupid message, hit the send button and the screen turned green… as iPhone users, we shake our heads in disapproval. But you know what, I was going to ignore those millennial sentiments and continue this conversation with Mr. Texas Edward.

That week I met with my therapist and told her the story. We’re working on my system for “filtering and discriminating” men in my life. Apparently my “net” is cast too wide and I let anything in that swims by. I find this to be rude because I don’t tell her about every little douche who hits on me at the bar to whom I roll my eyes and walk away. I told her with pride how the night ended compared with the usual conclusions of sloppy, unfulfilling sex. Okay, I ruined the ending. We went out and didn’t have sex.

I’ll tell you why. I had him meet me at the bar where I was with a few other friends, and sited Daddy Bartender (see the Man Guide for details). Thankfully, this is a large venue and it happened to be extremely crowded, so I was able to separate my “date” running into Daddy Bartender and me awkwardly having to put foot in mouth.

Although Texas Edward was a swell fellow, we just didn’t have that chemistry. As in he didn’t seem like a complete asshole, so therefore, why would I like him?

Plus, I kept “going to the bathroom” so I could say hi to Daddy Bartender who proudly told his friend after smacking my butt, “She likes it when Daddy gives it to her.” I can’t say I didn’t like it. Eventually I got too drunk to stay out and texted Celebrity to ask how his weekend was. He FaceTimed me right away and was in bed, telling me that he was going to Louisiana to shoot a new TV series the next morning. My heart sank. I guess I wouldn’t be seeing him for a while.

Back to Texas Edward. I guess I should just know better than to think about getting involved with someone whose texts turn to green after hitting the send button.

And yes, I did go get a $5 bloody mary since I’m in mourning of my deceased grandfather. I actually got two free ones since the flight attendants felt sorry for me. Hooray for a bereavement flight.


Texas Edward texted me the next day and asked what I was doing. I told him whatever my plans were. I’m sure it involved boozy brunch. And that was it. Another one in and out of my life just like that. What else can you expect from a Tinder date?

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